48: Situationship (Ep.3) | Why You Keep Choosing Situationships (The Hidden Payoff of “Almost There”)

Why do we keep choosing “almost there” relationships—close, but not chosen… intimate, but not committed… full of chemistry, but low on clarity?

In Episode 3 of the Situationships series, we name the truth most of us avoid: “almost there” isn’t random — it’s strategic. Not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system learned to survive inside uncertainty.

Today we’re exposing the hidden payoff that keeps you in limbo: the way ambiguity can protect you from rejection, keep you in control, and save you from the vulnerability of being fully seen… and fully received.

And we’re grounding it in real science, too:

• how reward prediction error and unpredictable “hits” of attention can condition your brain to stay hooked on inconsistency
• how attachment anxiety can heighten sensitivity to rejection cues
• why chronic stress patterns can make calm feel unfamiliar at first

Then we pivot into the shift: practical steps to stop bonding with potential, set your clarity clock, and choose relationships that are rooted, steady, and true.

If you’re ready to go deeper, my eGuide From Almost There To All The Way is linked in the show notes — it’s the guided process to end situationships and start choosing commitment.

Reflection question for you:
What scares you more — being rejected… or being fully chosen?

In this episode

• Why “almost there” relationships aren’t an accident — they’re a compromise
• The 5 hidden payoffs that keep you in limbo (rejection, control, intimacy avoidance, not having to choose back, conditioning)
• Why hot-and-cold attention can feel addictive (and what the brain is doing)
• How to shift out of ambiguity with standards, evidence, and a clarity clock
• A reflection prompt to tell the truth without shame

Your next right step

The Clarity Clock: Decide the maximum amount of time you’ll stay in ambiguity before you ask for clarity — and honor your answer.

Reflection question: (DM Me or Comment)

Pick one:

1. What payoff do I get from “almost there”?
2. What scares me more: rejection… or being fully chosen?
3. If someone showed up steady and clear, what would I fear I’d lose?

Mentioned in this episode

From Almost There To All The Way (eGuide): Here

Studies / research mentioned

• Reward prediction error as a learning signal in dopamine systems (why “unexpected hits” land harder) 
• Predictable vs unpredictable rewards changing reward-system response 
• Prediction error + social validation in real romantic relationships (partner approval confirming/violating expectations) 
• Attachment anxiety + stronger neural response to r

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Almost There
• 1:21 Welcome And Show Intent
• 2:43 Defining Situationship Patterns
• 3:35 The Hidden Agreement With Almost
• 5:29 Hidden Payoffs: Naming The Truth
• 6:27 Payoff 1: Avoiding Rejection
• 7:39 Payoff 2: Control Over Clarity
• 8:43 Payoff 3: Dodging Intimacy
• 9:21 Payoff 4: Not Choosing Back
• 9:59 Payoff 5: Nervous System Conditioning
• 11:08 Archetypes Of Almost There
• 12:01 E-Guide Invitation
• 12:33 Standards And Non-Negotiables
• 13:07 Bond With Reality Not Potential
• 13:30 Set The Clarity Clock
• 14:06 Stress, Calm, And Safety
• 15:05 Reflective Questions For Change
• 16:21 You Are Protective Not Broken
• 17:21 What’s Next And Gratitude
• 18:52 Follow, Share, And Review

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

If you've been stuck in the space between potential and commitment, I want you to keep listening because almost there, relationships, that's not random. It's it's often a strategy that your heart learned to survive. So today we're gonna name the hidden payoff. We're gonna pull back the layers and start shifting you into clarity. Here we go. Welcome to Rooted in Rising. I'm your host, Tara Michelle, intuitive guide storyteller, and fellow traveler on this wild path of becoming. This is a space for the soul led, for the ones unraveling old stories tending to their healing and rising, not perfectly, but powerfully into who they are here to be. Here we explore what it means to live with intention, to love with depth, and to trust that even the hard things are shaping us. I'll share pieces of my own journey, the cracks, the beauty, the breakthroughs, and invite voices who are walking this path too. Because I believe life isn't happening to us, it's happening for us. So come as you are, root in and rise up. And thank you. Truly thank you for being here. Welcome back to Rooted in Rising, everybody. My name is Tara Michelle. I am the host of the show. This is a show where personal growth meets real life, intuition, healing, and honest conversations that help you break patterns, help you come back to yourself, and build relationships that are rooted, steady, and true. And I want everybody to know this is education and reflection. It is not therapy or medical advice. Okay. So let's get into it. As many of you, those of you who have been following the situationship pattern series, we've named the pattern, quote unquote, almost there. And we've talked about how rooted love can feel unfamiliar, it can be quiet, it can be slower, it's less charged. And today we're gonna talk about the part that stings a little bit. We're gonna get kind of in there and and and I want you to know that even though it might hit a little hard, it's the thing that's going to set you free. And what we're gonna talk about is why we choose almost there relationships. For those of you that are new, almost there. Almost there is that relationship that's just, you know, it's kind of a relationship, it's more of a situationship, it's not quite a relationship. So that's what I mean with almost there. And because these types of relationships, maybe for some and for all, and before I go into this, I want you to listen from the perspective of just relationships in general. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship because I also saw some patterns, these similar patterns that I'm talking about in the area of my career. So I want you to consider it could just be relationships in general. But the focus obviously being remote romantic relationships, because a lot of us are, myself included, have been bumping up against this thing called situationships. Now, why we choose almost there? Relationships. Because if it keeps happening, and if you keep ending up close but not chosen, okay, close but not committed, close but not clear, we have to stop pretending that that's random. This isn't about you being unworthy, this isn't about you being too much, and this isn't about you needing to be better. This is about the hidden agreement your system makes with almost because almost can feel safer than all. Because almost there lets you say, well, we have something. And at the same time, it protects you from the moment where it becomes real. Because the moment it becomes real, something else becomes real too. Your visibility, your needs, your standards, your receiving. And for a lot of us, receiving is the scariest part. Not because we don't want it, but because we don't trust what happens after we get it. So almost there becomes this compromise. It's close enough to feel alive and far enough to stay in control. Make sense? And I'm telling you, I know this all too well. I really do. And and the hidden payoffs, like this is what I want to talk about. Now I'm gonna say something that might land hard and it may be a bit harsh. Okay? Are you ready? We don't repeat patterns that don't pay us. Almost there has a payoff. So I want you to listen and tell the truth about which one of these hits home for you. Payoff number one, okay? Almost protects you from rejection because it's built in. If they can't fully choose you, you never have to face the clean terror of being chosen and then losing it. You can stay in the story of potential, it's potential instead of risking reality. And I'm gonna say that that really was the one for me. That was the one that hit me home there, hit home for me because I resonated and realized, oh my God, I'm afraid to allow people to really meet me because then that means what if they leave? What if they go? What's gonna happen? Okay. So if this if this payoff actually resonates for you, here's a question I want you to think about. Do you choose emotionally unavailable people because it keeps rejection ambiguous instead of definitive? So ask yourself that question. So there's research showing attachment anxiety is linked to heightened neuroreactivity during social rejection. And your system can be extra sensitive to exclusion cues, which makes ambiguous almost feel safer than clear yes no. Okay. So now we're gonna move to payoff number two. Now listen if this this sounds like you, may or may not. Almost, quote unquote, let's you stay in control when it's unclear, you get to analyze. You can interpret, you can scan, you can strategize, and control can feel like safety. Here's the question: Do you confuse thinking about love with being loved? And do you stay mentally busy because stillness would force you to feel? I know a lot of people that go through that, they really don't want to feel that space or that void. Payoff number three almost lets you avoid intimacy. A lot of people fall on that one, okay? Because real intimacy requires being known. It requires being seen. Being known requires honesty. Honesty requires risk. And almost there, you can share pieces, but not fully surrender. So the question for those with payoff number three is what part of you is terrified that if you're fully known, you'll be fully left. That's a big one. That's a big one. Payoff number four almost keeps you from having to choose back. Because if they were fully available, you'd have to decide. You'd have to show up, you'd have to be consistent, you'd have to be accountable to partnership you claim you want. So the question for you is if they said, I choose you fully, what would you do next? Would you relax or would you panic? Payoff number five almost matches nervous system conditioning. If your nervous system learned that love equals uncertainty, then certainty might feel suspicious. And here's your question: What sensations do you associate with connection? And where did you learn that behavior? Let me put real science language on this. Your brain learns through reward prediction error. Basically, the difference between what you expected and what you got. So when something good happens unexpectedly, excuse me, unexpectedly, it can hit harder because the surprise itself becomes part of the reward learning signal. So when someone is inconsistent, sweet, then distant, then sweet again, your system can get trained individualance. And it's not actually romance, it's uncertainty conditioning. I have fallen into that, by the way. And this isn't just theory. There's even neuroimaging research showing prediction error activity in reward systems in response to social validation in real romantic contexts. So if you have felt hooked by unpredictability, you're not crazy, you're conditioned. Let's make this practical. Here are a few almost there archetypes. And I don't want you to judge, I just want you to notice. Okay, you ready? The potential person, amazing in theory, inconsistent in reality, the busy person, always something, never fully available. The wounded charmer, deep talks, big feelings, no follow-through. The undefined relationship. Let's see where it goes for months. The hot and cold, enough highs to keep you hooked, and enough highs to keep you hooked. And if you're listening and you're like, okay, I feel seen, but I feel a little attacked. I get it. This is exactly why I created my e-guide from almost there to all the way. It's a bold guide to ending situationships and choosing commitment. So it's linked in the show notes below. It's a deeper cut on this work with questions. Um, it's like a workbook. There's things that you can actually break down and figure out, pull the layers back and really see who you are and how you've been showing up for yourself. And, you know, shift yourself out of limbo. You don't shift by finding the perfect person. You shift by changing the conditions you allow love to enter through. Because almost there thrives in vagueness, in consistency, emotional availability, clarity, effort, follow through, shared intentions. So, how do we shift out of almost there? You don't shift by finding the perfect person. You shift by changing the conditions you allow love to enter through, because almost there thrives in vagueness. So, step one, name your non-negotiables. These are your standards, not your fantasies, your standards, things like consistency, emotional availability, clarity, effort, follow-through, shared intentions. And I want you to ask yourself, what do you require to feel safe and brooded in love? For real? What do you require? What is that? Name it and put it on paper. Step two, stop bonding with potential, bond with reality. Potential is addictive, reality is revealing. And the practice here is what has this person demonstrated to you, but not promised? Pay attention. Is your hope based on evidence or chemistry? Is it evidence? Is it chemistry? Pay attention to those things. Step three, set the clarity clock. You don't need to force commitment on day one. You don't. But you do need to stop living in months of ambiguity. You really do. So here's a question for you for step three. How long do I typically tolerate uncertainty before I call it what it is? Okay. I really want you to sit with that question because that was when I really struggled with. How long do you typically tolerate uncertainty before you call it what it is? And what would it look like to shorten that timeline? What does that look like? If you've lived through chronic stress, past relationships, childhood dynamics, life overwhelm, your body can carry what is called allostatic load, which is basically wear and tear from prolonged stress activation. And so sometimes calm doesn't feel like peace at first. It feels like vulnerability, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know that feeling? Because I do. And there's also research showing trauma-related symptoms can come from difficulty regulating positive emotions. And there's also research showing trauma-related symptoms can come with difficulty regulating positive emotions, meaning even good feelings can feel unsafe, unfamiliar, or hard to trust. So that's why the shift isn't just pick better, okay? That we're not just picking better. It's literally teaching your body what steady actually feels like. I want you to pick one question and answer it for yourself. Then come tell me in the comments or DM me, please. I love getting comments, love the DMs. And a matter of fact, you know, thank you to those who have been reaching out about the last two episodes. And there have been people that have really resonated with this information. And I get it. Like I, like I said, you know, coming out of a couple years of queen of situationships over here and realizing, wait a minute, whoa, record scratch, I no longer want to play this game. How do I get out of situationships? What is happening? What is it that I'm doing? Who am I being that I keep attracting these types of relationships? And that's what I had to get real with myself. And that's what these episodes are about right now. And that is what the e-guide is about to assist you in really breaking free from that pattern because it is a pattern, but we have to understand what the steps are to break free from that pattern. Okay. So again, I want you to go back to picking one question and answer it for yourself. Then come tell me in the comments or the DM. Okay. So number one, what is the payoff you get from almost there? What's the payoff? And you can rewind this episode and go back to the steps that I walked you through. But what is your payoff? What have you heard for yourself so far today? Number two, what scares you more? Being rejected or being fully chosen? And you know, it's funny because those two kind of collapse together for me. Like my whole fear was being fully chosen, because then that would mean that I would have to fully show up myself. And then there would be the fear of rejection. Like, what if the person leaves me? It's like this whole abandonment cycle, right? So you really need to look for yourself. What truly scares you? Is it being rejected or being fully chosen, being fully met? Number three, if someone showed up steady and clear, what would you fear to lose? No shame in answering any of these questions, just truth. Do not judge yourself, just truth. Be truthful and honest. Because when you're truthful and honest and you really get to the root and the core of the pattern, that's when it dissolves. That's when you get to create something new, and that's when you step into that whole new paradigm. So if you've been choosing almost their relationships, I really want you to hear this message. You are not broken. You're protective, okay? And protection made sense. It made sense at one point. And it doesn't get to run your love life forever. It doesn't have to run the show. I know for me, I was absolutely protecting a piece of myself in fear of, you know, the abandonment cycle. And so if I didn't have to fully show myself all the way, well then, you know, if they say no, what's what's the harm? What's the loss? It's okay. It's just like, okay, who's next? You know? And that was what was really running the show in the background for me. And there's no, there's no, there's like living like that just sucks. Honestly, it really does. So if you want a deeper guided process, as I mentioned before, the e-guide, it's in the show notes. Grab yourself a copy. It's um from almost there to all the way, a bold guide to ending situationships and choosing commitment. In episode four, we're talking about how we expect the no, how we brace, pre-reject ourselves, and choose uncertainty so we don't have to risk receiving. Okay, because almost there isn't random. It's not random, it's very strategic. Meet me in the next episode, and I want to say thank you to all of you who have joined me on this on this journey and will continue to do so. I look forward to seeing you next week. And until then, have a blessed week and weekend. Have a wonderful day. Bye-bye. Thank you for rooting in and rising with me today. If something in this episode stirred something in you, take a breath, take what you need, and let the rest soften. Be sure to follow the show so you don't miss what's next. And if you feel called, share this episode or leave a review. It helps the space grow and reach others on the path. Until next time, may you walk with trust, speak with love, and rise in your own time. I'm so grateful you were here with us, and thanks for being here. We'll see you on the next episode.